Ayahuasca (yagé) was something I’d wanted to try for ages, I’d come close a few times before but never made the leap all the way.. Things kept popping up or causing me to cancel and I never felt entirely ready for the experience.
Reddit horror stories and rapé
It is easy to get more than a little hyped up when you read the reddit horror stories about the trips gone wrong, bad practices, incorrect dosage, and some truly dark tales about lacing the brew with “devils breath” (scopalimine) and one story of a young Harvard student who was abused and brainwashed into believing she loved the Shaman and almost had his child. Safe to say its good to be aware of what you are heading into but you probably shouldn’t really stay up all night on the eve of the trip reading these tragic worst-case scenarios, unfortunately on the first chance thats exactly what happened to me. I hadn’t slept a wink and I knew my body wasn’t up for a thousands-of-years-old psychedelic brew in the jungle that is said to be 10x the strength of acid.
So I waited until I was in better shape and then planned again at the same “facility” and this time the organiser was friendly, he completely understood about my previous flakiness and then said “dont worry mate, once you are here we will share a rapé”.. What?? Are you fucking joking?? (he sends me a picture [below] that I dread to download..). As it turns out a rapé means to do snuff (also poorly named) tobacco which is said to induce the optimal mindset for the yagé.. Despite it being a small misunderstanding I still wasn’t thrilled about going ahead this time round, I cancelled once again. Even if everything was fine I was sure I’d be spinning out about it whilst high, I’d also seen a youtuber describe his trip saying it was normal to be told to get naked and whipped with some kind of vegetation in a “cleansing ceremony”. These were not components I wanted to put together, besides being alone its better to be safe than a statistic.
Finally Committing – finding the right facility:
Finally during a hike to ciudad perdida (the lost city) I met Andrea who was a friendly local who joined on a 5 day trek to see some ruins in Santa Marta. She was taking yage semi-regularly and had the perfect place to recommend me doing it alone in a safe environment with traditional methods. We went for dinner one night in Bogota and she urged me to lock in a date on this trip and finally have the experience, she was excited for me. I was too, so I sent the message off.
Eventually the day finally came and Daniel pulled up in a beat up toyota and honked the horn.
They told me to avoid eating too much that day and definitely to avoid heavy meats. So I played it safe with a brocolli soup or something, I wasn’t hungry since the day had been so intense and busy.. Nonethless later on I would find out there was much more inside me than just a brocolli soup.. Everything was going to come up later.. Hence the dietary warning. Nothing could’ve stopped what was coming though..
As I jumped in the car I noticed Daniel despite being completely covered in tattos from neck to finger had a very warm and level-headed vibe about him, he was calm and laughed a lot, not a word of English but very patient with the butchered Spanish. We had a 2 hour drive out of the city and into the bush to get out to the space where the brew would be consumed. Daniel and I had enormous fun on the way laughing and carrying on, he loved the story about the Rapé, I would pick out what he was asking and I could respond with a mixture of words, gestures and pictures. When things calmed down as we exited the city he was asking me why I wanted to do Ayahuasca?
Why?
I said I’ve been preoccupied with how to best spend my time, given the limited years of life we have and all the things we might want to achieve. In the modern age theres always a constant struggle with fear of missing out, theres so many options and we are constantly bombarded with examples of success, it all seems like its saying “look at everyone else who made it – whats wrong with you?”.
We all have those daydreams when we listen to music and imagine smashing our goals, transcending our self imposed limitations and becoming some evolved version of ourselves, ubermensch2.0 (whatever that means). But while these fantasies are enjoyable and mostly harmless fun, for me there had been a burning desire to turn the next dream into a reality. I told Daniel the last few years have been a wild ride travelling the world and writing code, and that while thats been huge fun, I’m looking for the next step. Because in the meantime, everything else just seems like a distraction.
I also shared with Daniel a desire to develop more openness and remove barriers of self-expression. I’d felt for a while that there had been something of a roadblock in my life for authenticity and that I’d adapted to life half-wearing a sort of mask to be percieved by others. In recent times I’d grown a lot more comfortable in who I was but still felt some barriers with genuine self expression when it came to the outside world. I wanted to express my gratitude, love, humor, and excitement without self-censoring or filtering. I wanted to be a free’er more real version of myself without so many self imposed limitations, and to question their existence in the first place.
And above all I was just bloody curious, everyone I’d met who’d had an experience seemed changed in a positive way. They were interesting sorts. And this was exactly the kind of thing I needed to find out about for myself.
Preparing for the Ceremony – Just normal dudes getting high on an ancient shamanic brew, nothing to see here.
The arrival at the ceremony location with Daniel was calm, we’d settled into our conversations and I’d become cosy in the car. Daniel was excited and he’d agreed he would drink Ayahuasca with me tonight because he believed it would be a special experience this time. Normally the ceremony is held in a small group of 5 – 10 participants but since I was solo travelling and Andrea was busy with work, this ceremony was being held especially for me, I was extremely grateful that Daniel would be along for the ride.
There was only 4 people running the ceremony, the Shaman and his wife, Daniel who was typically only the driver (now also a Spanish teacher), and Emmanuel who played the guitar very well (and the harmonica horribly), who provided most of the music.
One thing you dont get told about these kind of experiences which I found pretty funny (or at least made me laugh at the time) was that despite the mysticism in pop culture that surrounds DMT and Yage, everyone and everything was surprisingly normal. We began with coffee in the main house and saying hello, the Shaman himself had a more serious aura than the others and wore a sort of robe, but for the most part, it was fairly standard.
Just preparing like we were all about to go on a hike together or something, it was completely dark now about 10pm and I was tired from all the excitement. But the coffee kicked in and before long I was called up near to the fire to try Rapé. Daniel relayed the funny story (so we thought) but the Shaman didn’t find any amusement. He was focused on the task at hand – filling my nostrils up with homemade snuff by blowing it into my nose through a metal straw with the other end in his mouth – this was just how things are done apparently. It was very sudden and it burned as it was more “shot” up my nose than blown in. But when it kicked in the buzz was nice, just a soothing nicotine effect. I asked for another one and they all laughed and obliged. Then I wanted 2 more. So I had them. They said I was very eager, and I was. 18 months I’d waited to try this finally and here I was now, with everything taken care of, the platform and the stage set, I felt super safe in their presence, nothing to worry about, just enjoy the ride and see what happens.
The Experience:
Initial ingestion of the brew happened shortly after in the serene setting by the river with the fire going. It looked like muddy water and tasted weirdly like nesquik which had just been mixed with water instead of milk, it was pretty good actually, I downed the cup and tapped the glass lightly against the bottle with a cheeky smile indicating I would go for a 2nd. The Barkeep only laughed and said “not yet, now you wait”. I noticed he’d taken more than one himself though and I was laughing thinking to myself “now we’ve all taken it, who is going to be the one who looks after us”.. But there was no use making a fuss, it was all happening now.
I sat down on a wooden log next to Daniel and we watched the fire together, he told me the fire was our grandfather and that if things ever feel too much just focus on your breath and look through the fire. Just look into the fire? Look through the fire. He said with a big grin on his face gesturing abnormally, I could tell he was already beginning to feel something.
A little later the shamans wife went to the bedding area nearby to lay down and I was wondering: if everyone elses brew had taken effect then maybe I needed more.. And I wanted to get it now before everyone got too wavey to serve me one. I stood up and prepared to announce my desire – but as soon as I got to my feet I felt like I didnt have legs, it was funny because I was suspended in the air without my legs yet I was still concious enough to know (without a doubt) that I definitely. Still. Had legs. I made some noises about having more but I could only say “uno mas” and gesture towards the cups (where I thought they were), my appeal was not very convincing since I was staggering about the fire like a mid-stroke captain jack sparrow and laughing manaically. But I was served nonetheless and then retired to the laying down area too.
I settled into the trip nicely in my cosy mattress on the muddy floor with a nice blanket I felt extremely snug, the environment was perfect for tripping, besides the bugs which occasionally crawled past (huge ants), the moon was out, the fire was roaring, and the ayahuasca was only just beginning to truly take hold.. I started hearing the others one by one going to the relief area to purge, the vomiting sounds were quite violent, normally it would’ve been alarming to hear them coming from a healthy human being. It sounded pretty horrible, impossible amounts of puke coming up out of these people, I felt sorry for them and initially wanted to go over and ask if they were OK. But Daniel had told me once the trip really begins not to disturb others too much, he told me he was there if I needed him but ultimately we will each have our own journey and we take it alone.
I started going through things in my head and came to the conclusion that 2 cups of ayahuasca was enough and that I would not do a third because the purging sounded very intense and not at all what you want when you’re on psychedelics.. I also decided that I was a bit of a veteran and probably not the kind of person who would throw up anyway, Irish blood doesnt blow chunks, so I’ll just stay here in the bed and chill..
However the Irish also never say no to a drink.. So I accepted the 3rd cup willingly which was difficult to consume since everything around me had already started spinning and the visuals were becoming increasingly extraordinary. I retired back to the bed and thought here we go… I’ve only gone and fxxking done it now.
The Purge.
Eventually something called me like a bell in a schoolyard and said in no uncertain terms it was absolutely my turn to go to the relief area and that I should make my way over there immediately. So I did. With great difficulty. I floated, crab walked, and stumbled all at the same time over the the relief area and could hear nothing but my own breath loud in my ears along with the running water of the river below. I looked up and saw the moon amongst fractals of every color that filled in the space around everything other than the exact pinpoint object of my focus. I was in the thick of it now and waiting for my appointment with the purge, I hadn’t felt queasy or anything but somehow I just knew.. It was coming. It was time.
When the vomiting started it was slow at first, and small, but the muscles in my stomach worked hard to push, there was a strong urge to release and let everything go. When it really gets going its pretty dark, all the insecurities and fears you have relating to yourself come hurtling to the forefront of your imagination as the biomass makes its escape from the body. I thought about the way I visualised myself, the way I’ve always thought about things since I was very young, and how certain narratives or negative beliefs have played out and portrayed themselves to the external world, I thought about my family, the people I’ve loved, and I thought about dying. The more the purging went on the more I also began to envision the convergence of these symbols, as visually everything exploded into fractals of complete kalaidascope all around me.
“I need you to do a bit more. Lets do a bit more.”
Eventually in between convulsions, I realised I could no longer see anything at all. I remembered what Daniel had said about my breath and the fire, but the fire was so far away now.. And that thought worried me as I began to spiral on the crushing conclusion that I had taken the Ayahuasca incorrectly somehow (and far too much) and now it was for sure I was going to die right here by the river, in a puddle of my own sick.. Soon all I could see was Mum and Dad and my Sister answering the phone and having the news delivered to them that I’d died at an ayahuasca ceremony in Colombia. I watched like a fly on the wall as they went through the various stages of grief before my eyes within minutes, from shock to disbelief to acceptance. My stomach turned horribly when I envisioned them accepting my death, it was like they’d sighed and shrugged their shoulders “Well.. He did always push the boat out a little too far.. Aw well..” and then they just continued with their lives like nothing happened. When this vision ended I’d already accepted that my time was up, but I still had to finish this business of purging when the same bell from before rung again inside my body, but this time it said “you’re about half way, I need you to do a bit more. Lets do a bit more. come on”.
I assumed the position and released again another waterfall of horrible bile onto the poor grass below me. I had a reassuring feeling coming over me now “Regardless of how high I might be, I know I’m still me and I’m thinking clearly” this little dialogue was very comforting. And suddenly the drums started again with a deep steady rhythm this time, calling me back to the fireplace. I followed my ears back (since I couldn’t see) and sat down on the log again, alone by the fire. Feeling its immense warmth and glow felt like a different world after the cold harshness of the “relief area” (who is naming these things?). I wanted to look through the fire like Daniel told me to but when I’m really high I struggle to keep my eyes open, I was swaying and just listening to the music, feeling super stoked with myself for no apparent reason whatsoever but probably looking quite bedraggled to the others. “como te sientes?” (how do you feel?) I couldn’t even respond, I just looked in Daniels direction, nodded and then returned to my sway dancing.
After a short while they were discussing something I couldn’t understand but I felt they were talking about me and sensed they were worried. I couldn’t open my eyes but I began to feel more and more like someone had moved to sit next to me and I was wondering if it was the shamans wife since it seemed to have a feminine presence.
After a while my feelings grew into gratitude and even affection for this person who had occupied the seat next to me this keeping me company and looking after me. I would’ve liked to put my arm around her but I didn’t think making a move on the Shamans Mrs was the best play so I stayed at an arms length. Just happy to have her around.
Eventually when I opened my eyes I realised no one was there, everyone had been in the same positions since hours earlier, but I still felt the presence with me.
Daniel told me the next day that my ethereal log-mate had been the spirit of Mother Ayahuasca coming to meet me and make sure I was okay, I liked hearing that even though I didn’t necessarily believe it was true. It could be.. I had a number of theories but I liked leaving it as a mystery. I wasn’t sure what it was (I mean yes it was the drugs) but the feeling didn’t fully disappear for a while quite a while afterwards, it stuck around and its still here now a little bit too. Hard to explain, maybe it doesn’t need to be explained at all.
The whole thing lasted about 9 hours but the final 2 or 3 were increasingly lucid to the point that I could play guitar, wander around and even began thinking about trying to get a few minutes rest in before leaving on the next leg of my journey the following morning. By the time the sun came up I was wrecked but the veterans all looked ready to do the same thing over again, and perhaps they were.
Next stop: A Sleep-Deprived Journey to Venezuela
Overall the experience was cool and although it sounds a little hairy and intense in this recount at times; it was by far the most rewarding psychoactive encounter I’ve ever had. In the end I didn’t see gods (who knows), or meet grandpa in the fire, but I did think a lot about the purpose of my life, family, love, death, and felt for a few hours completely dialled in and connected with everything, total peace.
I’d spent a lot of time looking into the fire just feeling chuffed with myself for all the hard times that’ve passed in the last few years and that when the shit hits the fan I know I’ll have my own back.. Even when no one else will (and they will), but even if they didnt, you’ll be there for you (sounds a bit weird) but there was a newfound sense of groundedness and strength to draw from that.
Strength I would need as Daniel dropped me at the airport on 20 minutes sleep still buzzing from the brew about to fly over the border into Caracas. With half a braincell between us and absolutely no idea what was in store for me on the other side…
